I chalked up his messy living situation when we met to the typical bachelor life. Or if your husband was a heavy smoker and refused to quit or smoke outside, would you feel guilty if you moved out because you developed asthma or lung cancer because of second-hand smoke? Do some grounding exercises to feel connected to your body. Sex is difficult for autistic adults due to sensory issues, which make the physical aspects of it uncomfortable. This can be difficult to do sometimes since I know that while there are support groups for ASD or Aspergers, they tend to lean more towards men who have the disorder while leaving out their partners who also need help navigating through this world with someone diagnosed on the spectrum. Therefore, its important that the ASD partner is vigilant against being defensive and takes responsibility instead. If things have escalated to the point that professional help is sought, doing your homework to find the right therapist is important. Its called, by David Finch. Little things can make a big difference in a marriage, and its common for husband and wife to find things that irritate one another. Then Im asked to identify palm trees, not enough again.Then it was motorcycles. Hi Leslie, If I buy a new pair of curtains I didnt need them, if the dishwasher breaks its not really I am supposed to drain out the water with a cup, its not really broken I just want to spend money or my car is stalling on me making horrible sounds and it finally stalled on me and a wrecker had tow me to garage, I did something to tear it up because I said a FEW YEARS AGO I think it might be time to get a different vehicle! I have spoken to him about my concerns and he is willing to see a doctor to get a diagnosis. I dont know much about this topic, but I wanted to share what Ive seen. It is critical to have a trained therapist to improve your communication skills and develop a deeper understanding of one another. One benefit is that I often feel empowered. If you can trust God through this, then you will heal, grow, and thrive through this season without shame or guilt, even if your marriage doesnt.. Additionally, people with Aspergers may have a hard time coping with change, which can make it difficult to resolve disagreements. He has eye contact, his facial expression changes, he smiles, laughs and he knows a little about everything, never lost for words. Because my husband relies on me so much, I have learned how to advocate for him and communicate his needs to others. The mission of TherapyMantra is to provide inexpensive, accessible, and professional online mental health care to the individuals all around the world. He would not have it any other way than for us to live together as one big happy family along with our three cats, dog, and baby. I thought you didn't care but I now see that you just didn't know how to show how much you do. First, I hope you are getting your own help for your trauma symptoms and guilty feelings. At the very least, Aspergers is a mild form of autism. Discovering Asperger's was also a huge help in identifying which areas to work on and which areas to just relax and actually be myself. People with Aspergers often have difficulty with change, so it is important to be there for your husband when he is struggling. However, there are other women who are married to men who are not on the spectrum who feel that loss also, or never get that connection either. If the relationship has not come to the point that you feel thatliving with Aspergers spouse is impossible then there is help available. You need a lot of patience, love, and care. Aspergers syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. I know God hates divorce and he may or may not leave me or divorce me but I dont think God expects me to not be a full person for myself just so he will stay and be happy. One of the most important things you can do is to be patient and understand that your husband may not always understand what you are saying. This can manifest itself as clumsiness, problems with handwriting, or being unable to do certain tasks like tying shoelaces. When she learns that her husband suffers from Aspergers syndrome, she admits that she considered leaving him. They can contradict what their partner is saying or criticize them without fully thinking the matter through. Asperger's syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. You can read more about Cassandra Syndrome or OTRS here. Ask questions and clarifications (but not too many! Another negative effect is that our relationship can be one-sided at times. Then I had this new thought. And if you decide to stay, make sure you are doing so because its what you truly want, not because you feel like you have to. For me, having a husband with Aspergers has been both challenging and rewarding. Youre right Patrick. My husband has a relatively mild form of Asperger's, and through years of therapeutic coaching, he has learned how to recognize and express certain social behaviors that might otherwise come naturally to others. Another way of dealing is asking for help when needed even though my husband does not always understand how best to provide me with support in situations where his actions might make things worse rather than better. In relationships, we often look for a synchronized response from our partners to feel validated, anchored and held in the relationship. This may include getting a job or setting up a savings account. Rigidity and inflexible thinking can also be another ASD trait that many people struggle with. But I also dont trust that he is really looking to be my husbandand I cant put my finger on why I feel like this. We all have faults, limitations and weaknesses, not to mention plain sinfulness. Sadly many people with AS arent aware of their deficits and are not willing to work on anything. If you think there is a chance your husband can learn to manage his Aspergers in a way that works for both of you, it may be worth staying in the marriage. Did not feel safe. You dont have to go through this alone. Slow down.. He may accidentally bump into and break a treasured antique vase that you received as a gift from your grandmother because he miscounted the steps he needed to take to get to the couch. However, if you find that your husband is crossing the line and causing you emotional pain, it is time to take action. It is instead of just focusing on our children or other household responsibilities. Many people with Aspergers are extremely honest and literal. Dont doubt what your partner says just because they dont phrase it like you would. There are many different types of relationships that people with Aspergers Syndrome can have. For people with ASD, touching frequently results in avoidance. In this blog post, we will discuss some of the signs that indicate it is time to end your marriage. Or does his blindness now give him a pass to not care about the impact his unintentional act has on you? I get shouted at, sworn at and talked down to frequently Herbivore so I know exactly how you feel. But so does being married to someone with cancer, muscular sclerosis, blindness, bi-polar, or a spouse who is chronically unemployed or has a host of other difficulties. Ask more questions. I struggle trying to maintain the house and have to pay people to do most things now. He has lived like everything is his and somehow hes convinced me it is too and if I want to leave I can if I dont then I can stay, doesnt matter one way or the other. Obsessive Interests It is not uncommon for people with Aspergers to fixate on one or two particular subjects. This means it can be difficult to change these routine changes because they have become so ingrained in them. Ive used the pronoun they/them/theirs to represent both the ASD and non-spectrum partner so that individuals of all genders are included. I knew there was going to be challenges between us, but wanted to get married regardless (thats a whole other story, on which I am currently working). They may also have difficulty understanding sarcasm or jokes. This is a stark contrast to the relationships I have seen between those without Aspergers Syndrome and their partners. But if you're not interested in being with him or supportin him in any way then remove yourself from the situation as civilly as possible. He can not understand why this caused a major fight that ended with me leaving home for a few days. Here is what you need to know when living with Aspergers spouse- ), Theres a lot of overlap. And all this whatever it is without the reason WHY. Working on marriage takes time, effort, and patience. Marriage Counseling vs. I do care about him but cannot call it love at this point. Does he show any concern, even if its hard for him to feel empathy? Almost immediately, I saw that our issues were just going to exacerbate one another, but tried to swallow some of his issues that caused me anxiety because I was married now and should try to make it work. 15 Questions | Total Attempts: 18033. As a result, he often misses or misinterprets what someone really means, especially emotional nuances within conversations. Or has a neurological problem? This is mainly because of the challenges we face on a daily basis, but also because he does not always understand how to show his love or affection for me in a way that I understand. It also helps him feel valued as well. A huge help is having my own counselor, skilled in AS and trauma. Depression, Anxiety, Stress or something else - we are here to help! I cant do or fix anything about what Im worrying about. These resources can provide you with immediate help. He and his wife make 300,000 K plus a year. I just dont know what to do moving forward. Doing so will serve you well. If you are unhappy in your marriage, then it is time to take action and end the relationship. Pray for safety and that everyone who is supposed to get there will get there, especially our MC Tasha Scott, one, Morning friend, Im heading to the Called To Peace retreat in Asheville, NC this weekend. You both can mutually agree to end the marriage and start fresh. The person with ASD can seem intensely devoted if a bit socially awkward. (Just because you have a thought, it doesnt need to be voiced. It's hard to know what to say. It is often referred to as autism spectrum disorder or high-functioning autism instead. 6 . How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? He is very loving and affectionate towards me, and he really makes an effort to let me know how much he loves me. It can happen. I hope this reaches out to others that may be in this type of feel guilty situation that perhaps extends beyond the post here. No response. But he is emotionally absent. Thank you, Leslie, from the bottom of my heart! Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. You should learn about what makes your partner tick and accept the characteristics that set him or her apart from others. He also doesnt always understand when someone is mad or upset. What should I do? An early diagnosis is so wonderful. Most of our friends wouldn't know he even has it. Every spouse and marriage will be unique. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. Maybe it's me. If you are considering leaving your husband because of his Aspergers, its important to ask yourself if there is hope for change. During courtship he had his own place to go retreat to. Several commenters pointed out that he was an Aspie. Does Aspergers affect relationships? Several years ago, Miriams son was diagnosed with autism. This can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. I am a Christian and believe divorce to be a sin. Please check your entries and try again. )and that wasnt enough. Im here, right now in this beautiful tub with lavender smelling bubbles all around me. I hoped that it would work (but probably for selfish reasons). If I dont want my kitchen scissors used in the garage and I say to leave them in kitchen I am causing a problem! Another sign is that my husband often has difficulty informing others of his needs. Despite the difficulties that many people with Aspergers syndrome experience in relationship skills, some adults with the condition can move beyond the relationship spectrum and are able to develop romantic and intimate relationships, even becoming long-term partners. NO! Beware and read everything you can before becoming entangled with Aspergers on any level. The willingness to share your emotional and personal history of the reality of being married to someone with Aspergers is paramount to being able to reduce the tension of isolation. Be curious. When they have a meltdown, he says Look at daddy. Some of what is happening in your relationship may be due to Aspergian traits and some may not, his therapist can help you understand which are which. Focus on them and what theyre saying vs. thinking of your response. No, he does not feel concern or the need to read about it or adjust anything. He then becomes a student, so he can learn what he can do to minimize that painful impact, even if he will never be cured or able to see exactly what she means or feels. I don't mean to say. Id encourage you to read his intro on Amazon where his wife asked him to take the test and his response. 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