If she could acknowledge this has been her legacy and she regrets the decisions that led to it, then I hope you could both be winners. A hug would have been a good start. She doesnt want to feel obliterated, so she wants to be right. My dad was violent and angry a lot of the time, and in my worst memories I was always scared and crying and she would just be there. Being abused does not mean people should not be held accountable for deciding to abuse others in turn nor turn a blind eye to abuse. You have a very compelling way of writing. This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Its no wonder that some daughters choose to look away as best as they can. I will not feel bad for establishing boundaries that need to be made! No slurs or victim-blaming. I dont want to talk about the weather or my cousins wedding. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. I missed out on 20 years. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. Thank you so much for the reply- it definitely resonated with me. Erin Wood Has relatives who are children Author has 1.4K answers and 2.2M answer views 4 y Related I was abused at 9 years old. This website is using a security service to protect itself from online attacks. I'm mad that she died and he lived. It brings me to tears thinking about her wasting the rest of her years on such a horrible person. JavaScript is disabled. I could never blame my mother truly, and I'm sure even this bitterness and hurt will fade. Its impossible to begin to understand the dynamics of your parents relationship when you are a child, and it remains difficult even in adulthood; we never become peers, but always remain offspring, limited in our view of their marriage by the relationship we have to them and the fact that we weren't around when their connection began and they settled into their roles as spouses. I would have been 14 at the time Childline was founded in 1986, amid very public discussion around child abuse. People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their actions and decisions. Laughing at myself, and learning to love (live with) it! Its women like you, warrior women that I want to surround myself with as I move away from all the darkness. You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. That is a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who had believed that her issue was with her father until she began to read my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. This feeling becomes so valued that no appeal to morality will impede them. Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. She should have done better. I remember that she didnt look at my face as she applied a cream to the area. When I got older and started to push back, my father would step in. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. Having also raised kids on my own both are now adults I understand the challenges and exhaustions of sole parenting. Hearing about their unsupportive mothers triggered me as I thought about my own. Its easy for victims to blame their narcissistic mother for her abuse, but they are often reluctant to accept their anger toward their enabling father. Your thoughts?. She didnt want others to find her out-her true identity. I just want everyone to get along.. I can imagine it might feel agonising for your mother to admit that her actions had bad consequences that you still live with. I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. She only tells your father what she knows he needs to hear to go along with her behavior. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. Some time had to pass so I could wash those feelings out. I love my mother dearly. She was an abusive mother and an abusive wife! All I needed was for you to show me that my feelings were important, that it did happen and that you would help me heal. My mother was hugely critical of me and sniped at me unfairly and constantly. Am I focusing on my father, because I cant bear to blame my mother?. Why Is It So Hard To Live With An Abusive Mother? and our They will carry out abuse by proxy. Facebook image: Yuliya Evstratenko/Shutterstock. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. Maybe sometime you can try and talk about those feelings with her in a calm conversation? You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. I definitely do understand that she's a victim as well and I've seen what she's gone through. So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife. Whether you. Significant others and friends are all welcome. A constantly angry dad and an emotionally unavailable mum (who did little to shield us from his toxicity) makes for a pretty miserable upbringing. I am not fashionable enough. I want you to acknowledge all the pain that this continues to cause me, but I dont think you have the strength. Thanks again for the insight. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts. Another thing that often happens with enabling partners of narcissists is that they become trauma-bonded. The only person he was even remotely nice to was Mom. Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. I spent my entire childhood imagining how my mom feels and trying to pick up the pieces of her life for her. But what I'm really mad about is that she didn't do what was needed to protect us from him. Saving others from harm does not matter to them. Healing starts here! Im the creator of Innertoxicrelief.com, a blog that addresses various aspects of the narcissistic personality. Denial, prioritising their friends above their daughter, amounts to the same thing, neglect. I really appreciate your offer and understanding words. I wish you great strength in your boundary setting. 2. I guess I just feel used and wish I knew what was really happening. The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. We must, to survive. I wanted you to make me feel better. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. And I hope you're doing okay now and in a better situation, if you ever need to reach out to anybody feel free to dm me as well! I still have trouble trusting people and feeling safe.. I wish I could take it out of your life. You are not my role models; I have built my own model of parenting. 192.99.196.125 Nobody was there, and I find it harder to trust people because of it. My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years. what happened to polish tv company; most in-demand show in the world. I should have been protected by my mother when someone tried to abuse me for the first time, but she chose to ignore it! As for me, I will make sure I listen to everything my daughters say to me. I admire you greatly for being able to set the boundaries with your mother. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. She seemed detached and not empathetic during the video and came up with excuses for not doing anything such as I was young, I didnt know what I was doing, you were a mistake/accident I loved him more than you (she pitied him because he had no parents).. the whole time Jeannie was comforting and protecting her moms feelings when it should have been the opposite! It happened when I was five or six. In the few years before he died, I had begun to push back, and he aligned himself with her on almost every issue. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. Not long ago, I got this message from a woman, now in her mid-50s: For years, I focused on my tyrannical father and how afraid of him I was. But she will not be welcomed into my life. I turned to reddit, strangers on the internet, and only one close friend. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? Fuck us kids, right? Talking about secrets we were trained to keep quiet about, is one of them. But his punishment should have been greater. Sometimes, the bad guys arent easy to spot. However, more than anything, moral courage requires the ability and willingness to risk doing the right thing even though others might disapprove of or exclude you, writes Dr Stephanie Fagin-Jones. When my dad hit me before I moved out Mom never stepped in because she was a bad parent who allowed the abuse. Why Didnt My Enabling Father Protect Me? I will protect them. he wasn't there again today . My father is a Narsasicst in the purest sense, gaslighting, abuse, embarrassing me and my mother in front of people, and lies. They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. Couldnt My Father See My Narcissistic Mothers Abuse? You cant trust people with no empathy because they have no conscience. No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. It has taken me years to really understand that loving someone doesnt require you to lose your soul and that how she treated me was about her, not me. The mother did not have much remorse, empathy and was quick to generate excuses in order to protect her image. , Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. Hed appear to acknowledge that I was being hurt but then hed tell me to placate her or apologize. I saw a man who wasn't there . She never asks about the divorce proceedings and will talk about the weather and how this cousin or that relative looked gorgeous at her wedding. Not really because it was triggering, ughh, maybe it was. Today, you tell me I dont visit enough. Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. Its a betrayal thats hard to accept because it feels like no one loved you. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. PostedJuly 11, 2019 Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. What is in your power to change, you have got in motion. Does she have a mental imbalance or is she just a bully? She refused to help me clean and get me groceries when I asked. 6. Untangling each of our parents' roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward healing. But I cant change the past. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. It will never change, and I know that.. Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. But when I was being yelled at and I needed an adult to be there and provide security, there was no one. You'll come to forgive her, even if the trauma is still there. Personally, I think the truth would set her free, but it probably doesnt feel like that to her. Ah, sorry. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. . Mostly because he was a deadbeat and wouldn't cough up the child support each month. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. Yes, my mom catered to my dad all the time. Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! Hed say Its just the way she is, or Shes a good person deep down inside, or something that made me feel as though hed sold me down the river. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. You made me take all the blame, the shame. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. Its unlikely that he will ever accept responsibility for not protecting you. Because they're codependent cowards. Your email address will not be published. Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. And I was never allowed to forget it. I am sorry that this is how the story ends for you. Yes they are huge steps for me and I know that you understand! Also, I love my mom sooooo much, she is my best friend but it does get difficult navigating the resentful feelings because they sneak up on me when I think about the past and I get confused how to respond to those feelings. I am glad he is dead. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? Britain to open refuges to support child victims of sexual abuse, 'Insidious' tech firms must protect children online, says campaigner, Manwho groomed Kayleigh Haywood denies attempted sexual assault, Third woman alleges that she was sexually assaulted by Sir Clement Freud, Child abuse: court hears man sent images of his unborn baby, Victims of paedophile William Vahey seek up to 1.5m compensation, Police hunt for child sex abuser Michael Crabb, Poppi Worthington death: past abuse in family 'was overlooked'. Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. my mother didn 't protect me from abuse my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. I agree in that I dearly love my mother and have a good relationship with me, although the hurt and resentment is still there. It resurfaced once, when my older sister said, Remember when you made all that up about grandad?. Mom worked her ass off for us because he wouldn't. 4 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. Wow I could have written this myself. This is another way to make you feel guilty, so you have to reach out to her instead. You sentenced me to a life of feeling bad. Wow! It disgusts me. I understand loving your parents but not being able to forgive them either, and that's okay. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. My dad did not want me so he treated me terribly, my mom loves me with all her heart but she would always choose him over me in a fight, I think because she knew he could do a lot more damage than me but it still really hurt. There are several actions that could trigger this block including submitting a certain word or phrase, a SQL command or malformed data. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); A blog full of tips, inspiration and freebies! I know my mother knew about the sexual abuse that my father, her husband was subjecting me to. It hurts that I needed her and she wasn't there. And the worst part is that it took me months and months to even accept that I was abused. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. Our household was run by emotionally crippled children. ur first five years together were great. . He would have been sent to prison. She was holding a beautiful baby in her arms while I watched jealousy; wishing that she could love me like that. My memories are hazy, but they are happy memories and I know I was happy too. I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. I love her greatly, and she did everything to provide for us after he left. Learn Some Helpful Tips And Tricks To Help You Get That Green Thumb. She stuck with him until I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer's in her late 50's. She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasnt a good time for me. As I was going up the stair . Parents can make or break the mental stability of their children. My journey through the depths of hitting rock bottom and how I faced my fears and have started to turn my life around. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. - Werner Herzog. That was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now 60: I think my dad loved me in a way, but he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. Set and enforce strong boundaries if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. Need info or resources? It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. I needed her, and she just stood by. Please see our disclosure to learn more. 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. Coming to terms with the less obvious damage. I dont know what to do. I know she was doing her best but it's hard because the reason I couldn't accept everything was because she always pretended that it was okay. We do not defend abusers here. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. 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